It’s the Little Things: How Daily Acts of Kindness Can Cultivate a Strong Marriage
by Sharon Whited, M.A., LCSW
February is a time we start to see hearts, cards, roses and other signs that Valentine’s Day is approaching. Valentine’s Day is an annual opportunity to lavish your sweetheart with affection, attention and grand gestures of love. It’s a day ripe with opportunity to spark the romance and sweep your spouse off their feet. This day exists to show your partner how much you love them. This is good, right? Yes and No. Yes, it is wonderful to express your care and admiration for your spouse. However, an annual or occasional effort is not enough to create and sustain a thriving marriage. Kind gestures offered to your spouse every so often is inadequate. See the problem is that we may take advantage of the big opportunities to celebrate our spouses but forget the necessity of practicing small acts of kindness daily. “Small” does not mean insignificant, but rather less grandiose efforts in demonstrating kindness.
Dr. John Gottman, psychologist and marriage researcher states, “There are many reasons why relationships fail, but if you look at what drives the deterioration of many relationships, it’s often the breakdown of kindness. As the normal stresses of life together pile up – with children, career, friends, in-laws, and other distractions crowding the time for romance and intimacy – couples put in less effort to their relationship and let the petty grievances they hold against one another tear them apart.” Dr. Gottman goes on to explain, “among the couples who not only endure, but live happily together for years and years, that spirit of kindness and generosity guides them forward.”
What does this mean as you think about the state of your marriage? We create a disposition toward our spouses in how we interact regularly. We notice our spouses, prioritize them and are intentional in our daily interactions. Kindness is cultivated. In Philippians 4:8 the Bible exhorts us to begin with our mental disposition. “Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things”. Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Marriage, said “You can control your mind. You can choose to notice and mention a positive quality you’ve noticed and mentioned a thousand times. Come on – do it a thousand and one! The more you thank, the less you’ll complain and the more your spouse will feel cherished.”
It’s the daily decisions to notice and intentionally act in kindness that create lifelong intimacy. Romance is a fleeting feeling. If we only act on what we feel or don’t feel, our marriages will shrivel up and die.
It’s the daily decisions to notice and intentionally act in kindness that create lifelong intimacy. Romance is a fleeting feeling. If we only act on what we feel or don’t feel, our marriages will shrivel up and die.
Dr. Tim Keller encourages couples in his book The Meaning of Marriage to consider what motivates their decisions. Dr. Keller says, “In any relationship, there will be frightening spells in which your feelings of love dry up. And when that happens you must remember that the essence of marriage is that it is a covenant, a commitment, a promise of future love. So, what do you do? You do the acts of love, despite your feelings. You may not feel tender, sympathetic, and eager to please, but in your actions, you must BE tender, understanding, forgiving and helpful. And, if you do that, as time goes on you will not only get through the dry spells, but they will become less frequent and deep, and you will become more constant in your feelings. That is what can happen if you decide to love.”
The beauty of God’s design for marriage is that while couples get to enjoy the fruit of their daily choices, the relationship has a higher purpose. To bring God glory. The daily acts of noticing and expressing kindness have eternal value in the kingdom of God. Couples who honor their spouse, bring honor to God. Daily expressions of kindness toward your spouse ultimately express your love for Creator of marriage. Today, you can offer small gestures of kindness toward your spouse and offer a testimony of divine love to the world. Will you choose to do little things with great love?